Anchovy Paste

Today, I purchased anchovy paste....a first for me for obvious reasons.

I try not to think about that magic ingredient in Caesar salad dressing.  However, when one wants to make a homemade Caesar dressing....one needs anchovy paste.

Yuck.

But perhaps that is a perfect ending to the week.

A bit strange.  A bit unpleasant.  But needed for the big picture (or salad).


This was a week I needed more space and less human interaction.  So while trying to juggle being tactful to those around me, I found ways to carve out little pieces of time for myself.  One afternoon I spent several hours at the park with the laptop, typing up lists and organizing information for Nate.  I think that might have been the highlight of my week.  A bit strange, I know.  But it was something tangible I could do, a task I could complete independently, outside in a space free from any obligations other than the tasks in front of me.  I felt a little more like myself for those few hours.

Because, this phase of life has been a lot like starting a new job.  Except every aspect of your life is a new job.  I am learning to live with extra roommates, figuring out a rotating schedule of who's cooking what night, figuring out eating preferences, cooking for 4 instead of 2, learning a new church culture, learning where things are located in the community, learning what stores are what and where to mail a letter, learning how to walk from point A to point B, so on and so on.  None of this is overly exceptional.  Any individual who moves from one place to another would experience most of these things.  But it is exhausting.

That exhaustion has caught up with me and I had tears streaming down as I laid in bed one night.  Wanting so desperately to have a place to call my own and find a normal rhythm to life again.  A bit unpleasant.  But I realized a part of me just needed to acknowledge that it's okay to feel bad.  (Yes, Mom....all in all we really are doing great.)  But we still don't understand why this is happening, and perhaps we never will know all God is accomplishing through it.  The journey has parts that are unpleasant, uncomfortable, and painful for me.

I can't say why this is all needed for the big picture, but I'm trusting that it will make a heck of a Caesar salad someday.

Termites!

We had an infestation.

Of termites.

Deep sigh.

I received a call last night from Andrew in Guam.  Poor guy.  I'm sure he wasn't looking forward to that   call.  He let me know that there had been an infestation of termites at the church.  The good news is they caught the signs of the problem quickly.  The bad news is the termites do quick work and there was still damage to our belongings because the church was one of the best places to store our things until we got there.

Nate and I both know that termites are often a problem on the island.  It's part of the reason we opted not to ship my beloved antique wooden rocker that belonged to my grandfather.  Distance was part of it, termite issues was the other big factor.  So we knew the probability of keeping the chair in good condition was not likely.

It seems the biggest damage the termites did was to the many books we shipped, which are 90% Nate's.  Andrew reported there was damage around the edges of the books, but it sounds like since they were packed so tight in the boxes they weren't able to get between the books to start eating away.  So hopefully, while they won't look nice, the text on the pages is still readable.

Andrew said they had also gotten in the computer box (we shipped my desktop Mac) but don't appear to have made their way into the computer itself.  It's now been relocated to someone's home for safer keeping.

Our new IKEA table that we shipped seems to have survived, the box is disintegrated and Andrew stated he is going to enlist the help of some of the women of the church to clean the table with a women's touch but it seems to be in fairly good order.

It seems the termites also found our pictures, mostly those in picture frames that had been hanging on our walls, so I think this is what I was most sad to hear and will be most sad to discover first hand once we get to the island.

For Nate he is most disappointed in the loss of many of his coffee mugs.  While the termites didn't eat the mugs, it was discovered after inspecting more boxes for the destructive bugs that many of the coffee mugs didn't make it in one piece from being shipped over.  These mugs are Nate's souvenirs of his many travels.

I am hopeful that perhaps our most recent purchases of mugs throughout Europe this summer have made it.  Several came in their own individual mug boxes and were wrapped inside the box as well.  I will hold onto that small flicker of hope for us both.

The church is now going through each box to unpack, inspect for termites, and then repack all our belongings into plastic containers.  Such a tedious chore for them, but we appreciate all the time they have invested into trying to keep our things safe until we are able to arrive and unpack.

If all goes well we will have some familiar items waiting for us when we land and begin setting up our lives there!

Letting Go

The air has turned decidedly crisp in the mornings.  As Nate and I drove around this weekend running errands, I would put my hand out the window slowly moving it up and down wondering at such quick changes in the feel of the breeze.  Fall arrived this week.

There was some rain this weekend as well but I barely remember it in contrast with the sunshine, beautiful blue skies, and interesting cloud patterns that were mixed in.  The perfect jeans and sweater weather is being ushered in.

There is a sense of calm as I look out the window and watch the swaying tree branches and sunshine stream in the room.  But I certainly have bouts of frustration as emotions bubble up and I start feeling boxed in, not knowing how long we will be here.  Not being able to make plans for the future.  Not knowing what God has in store for us.  Wanting to run forward but finding my feet cemented in place.

I'm a flexible human being but along with most human beings... I create plans.  I can adjust those as needed and I often do just that.  Adjust.  Tweak.  Revise.  I'd describe myself as flexible.

However, in this place we are in...not knowing any certain time frame of when we will be able to move on, I've let go of my ideas and plans.  Not in anger just in realization that the plans I had and where I would be at this time, will not be.  I watch them drift away like leaves on the water; in different directions.  Perhaps one or two will drift back at a different time and I will recognize it as the same dream but in a new color...instead of yellow when I released it, it's now orange.  A similar dream but not quite the same.

I pray more now.  Much more.  I pray for acceptance and obedience.  I pray for understanding.  I pray for God's will to be done.  I pray for the future.  I pray for solid ground to plant some new dreams and create new plans.

But for right now I feel like am learning to let go, and let God sort out the rest.  And to have no plans at all.