The air has turned decidedly crisp in the mornings. As Nate and I drove around this weekend running errands, I would put my hand out the window slowly moving it up and down wondering at such quick changes in the feel of the breeze. Fall arrived this week.
There was some rain this weekend as well but I barely remember it in contrast with the sunshine, beautiful blue skies, and interesting cloud patterns that were mixed in. The perfect jeans and sweater weather is being ushered in.
There is a sense of calm as I look out the window and watch the swaying tree branches and sunshine stream in the room. But I certainly have bouts of frustration as emotions bubble up and I start feeling boxed in, not knowing how long we will be here. Not being able to make plans for the future. Not knowing what God has in store for us. Wanting to run forward but finding my feet cemented in place.
I'm a flexible human being but along with most human beings... I create plans. I can adjust those as needed and I often do just that. Adjust. Tweak. Revise. I'd describe myself as flexible.
However, in this place we are in...not knowing any certain time frame of when we will be able to move on, I've let go of my ideas and plans. Not in anger just in realization that the plans I had and where I would be at this time, will not be. I watch them drift away like leaves on the water; in different directions. Perhaps one or two will drift back at a different time and I will recognize it as the same dream but in a new color...instead of yellow when I released it, it's now orange. A similar dream but not quite the same.
I pray more now. Much more. I pray for acceptance and obedience. I pray for understanding. I pray for God's will to be done. I pray for the future. I pray for solid ground to plant some new dreams and create new plans.
But for right now I feel like am learning to let go, and let God sort out the rest. And to have no plans at all.
